


A List of Reasons Why

by Talle



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Connor is trying his best, F/M, Fluff, Gavin Reed Redemption, Panic Attacks, pure boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 20:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16025858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talle/pseuds/Talle
Summary: Gavin Reed hates androids.Every little thing they do becomes another subject, another point, another excuse, to hate them and their existence even more. He hates them with every fibre of his being, so much that the list of reasons are never ending.There are too many to count, but there is one that he won't ever forget, and by the looks of things, Connor won't be either whether Gavin likes it or not.Maybe that's just another reason.





	A List of Reasons Why

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys like this, it took me a little while to write but i love how it turned out! It's honestly one of my most favourite small pieces I've ever written.

Your love for androids was the number one reason why Gavin Reed hated them. It didn’t matter how nice, how attractive, how advanced they were, if they bled blue, he would never have anything to do with them.  That was a promise he made to himself when he was 24.

Gavin Reed was now 36 and that idea certainly hadn’t changed.

Watching as Detroit grew and evolved around him while he simply stayed himself was yet another reason on his already ever growing list as to why androids were despised, he had even tried showing you this list some years ago, but that was before he had any real reason to even consider androids as bad. Now, he had to watch as he stayed rooted, like the trees that were cut in the city, as his home advanced and he was uprooted and removed.

No one actually knew Gavin before he joined the police force. Some had seen him as a student at the police academy, but never did they stop long enough to become acquainted with him. It wasn’t like he were going to give them the attention anyway, that was always reserved for you because to him, you were all he figured he’d need.

But there was now a time where he knew that it was different. A time, a day, where he knew you wouldn’t be waiting for him. Stupid Gavin, he always expected you, never thinking about the potential for someone else to walk into a perfectly framed picture. Yet there you were, a gold band on your finger, and not from him, of course it wouldn’t be, he never said anything about his feelings because he thought that time would be on his side. Time had proven to not be after all, as the stupid crème coloured envelope was placed into his hand and a bright smile with an “I’m engaged, will you attend my wedding?” gracing your lips.

If Gavin could hate androids more, he wasn’t aware of it the day he accepted that invitation.

But here he was once again. That one special day every year for the past whoever knew however long. The day where everything became ten times worse and all he wanted to do was to curl up into a ball and cry and wish about what could have been, what should have been, if it weren’t for his stupid decisions. Stupid Gavin, stupid Reed, stupid everything.

His mood wasn’t far from the unusual unpleasant display, however his voice lacked any real attempt at offense. His voice were empty, much how he perceived himself, and if it couldn’t possibly get any worse, he just didn’t want to see any Cyberlife barbie dolls strutting around for just this day. Fate wasn’t exactly on Gavin’s side unfortunately.

Paired up with the dynamic duo of Lieutenant Hank Anderson and his partner Connor, Gavin had to grit his teeth in order to not snap. To outsiders, he was acting in his normal manner, belittling people and criticising their work ethics as he slacked off on his job like the hypocrite he was. Connor was not an outsider by any means, picking up on the slight shift that he was beginning to witness.

Gavin could feel Connor scanning him through the back of head, like a mother’s instinct for their child, he already knew there was no point in stopping Connor as he would probably have been finished just as quickly as he started. He made a mental note to add this to his list of hate. You loved them dearly, but that was just it, he hated them, and he could never hate something you loved, but he did. It would haunt him forever, along with the other demons he locked away in his vault. Locked with a band of arrogance and selfishness, coated in self-pity, guilt and regret. That’s how he protected himself and chose to deal with the thoughts that conflicted his mind.

He blinked profusely, stalling the stream of tears that threated to spill. He hadn’t noticed he was crying, why was he crying? How dare he shows vulnerability? Connor had simply waved Hank off in an attempt to gain some time away from prying eyes. Time was such a feeble thing, Gavin was aware.

Connor knelt on the ground, his own eyes levelling with the detective who had collapsed to his now weak knees. “May I ask you a personal question, Detective?” God the way the android even asked for permission sounded like the perfect blend of artificial intelligence and real human emotion. It made Gavin’s head spin and the room flop into a puddle of colours as he processed the genuine concern. Was it genuine concern? He was just a bunch of code with a shell that was humanoid, they were pieces of metal and plastic, they weren’t real. Gavin froze, remembering yet another reason why he loathed Connor. He just wanted to be left alone.

His mind was too disassociated to communicate anything properly, the more he stared at the blue triangle, the blue arm band, the blue LED, the more he could remember, almost see it. He grit his teeth, face buried within his hands as he trembled violently. Connor registered his vitals, healthy but otherwise shaken up, freaking out, potentially a panic attack?  Gavin’s eyes wandered to Connor’s serial number that was printed out neatly on his jacket. It wasn’t the same number as before, it wasn’t the same android as before. This wasn’t _your_ android.

He began to blink, a sign of trying to focus on his surroundings, Connor placed a hand on the man’s shoulder, Gavin didn’t take notice. “Detective Reed, can you hear me?” Connor asked, scanning him once more. The call of his surname dragged his attention to the android, slowly coming to his senses as he wiped away the tears and snot with the cloth of his hoodie sleeve. He flinched, shuffling away and staggering to his feet, eyeing Connor as he slowly raised his body from the position he was previously in.

“Phk!” Gavin spat, his attempt at curse spilling out like a gush of air. “Phk!”

Connor watched him as he raised a hand to his head, as if tugging at the locks would help him regain himself. “Detective Reed – I sense that your mental health-“ Gavin halted in his back and forth pacing, a finger pointing accusingly as he showed his teeth grit with a snarl.

“Back the fuck off. Go, get the fuck out of here, leave me the hell alone you stupid dipshit.” The corridor they were standing in was still empty, deserted to the point where Gavin was sure his voice echoed out to the precinct beyond the doors. He didn’t care, he gave up caring after snapping back into reality, attempting to walk past Connor with a shove to the chest.

Connor’s quick reflexes captured Gavin’s wrists before the shove could become anything more than simple hand to chest contact. His grip was loose, enough so that Gavin could probably have easily broken free and leave, but he didn’t, staying stiff with a glare that transformed quicker than a blink of an eye into what Connor identified as surprise. “You are not ok Detective, I refuse to leave or proceed with anything else until you either speak or seek a medical professional’s assistance.” His words were calming, soothing, oh so much more different in comparison. Cyberlife truly had thought of everything, from the little curl of hair that slipped free from the rest, to a voice that was so calming, it brought Gavin to his most vulnerable state. Connor was The Negotiator after all.

The android tilted his head as his LED flickered a steady yellow, footsteps that did not belong to them or the Lieutenant who was waiting back at his work station, drew closer. They were lighter, and if it weren’t for such sensitive bio components, Connor would have missed it. Gavin continued to stare at him, dumbstruck and unmoving while Connor lowered his hands that he still held, gently guiding the Detective into one of the server rooms off side the corridor. Gavin shook his head as he registered the unaccounted movement, turning his head around to see Connor. “Woah, what the fuck?!” they quickly entered, locking the door behind them as he guided Gavin to sit on the floor. “Hey, what the hell!? Tincan! Can you hear me?! This is imprisonment, a violation of my fucking rights, I fucking swear to god-“

“You had blanked out when I asked for responses, and as stated before, I refuse to continue with anything until this is resolved, I brought you in here for privacy as there was a lack thereof in the corridor. My audio bio components picked up on Officer Chen’s footsteps nearing us and I assumed you wouldn’t have liked to be found vulnerable, more or less vulnerable with me.” Gavin’s mouth opened to protest, wanting so badly to insult the android but found that he couldn’t. Morally, he hated androids, and he hated everything about their existence, but Connor had just protected his reputation.

“Phk off, I’m fine you dumbass.” Connor stepped in front of Gavin as he began to stand up, directing him once more to the ground as he too sat in front of him, legs crossed as he tried to approach the detective in a non-threatening way. “The hell?” Gavin wanted to scream, already uncomfortable with being in the presence of an android, let alone in a small room with no one else. Connor sensed his discomfort, loosening up his stiff posture as an attempt to show comfort.

“Detective Reed, you should consult a professional who can help you. I am also qualified to help if you would prefer-“

“I’m fine.” That was a lie. “I have no stupid issues and I don’t need some psychologist to diagnose me with bullshit or a person like _you_ to give me therapy.” His body was defensive, unwelcoming, yelling at Connor to back off, arms folded sharply as his legs remained crossed, trying his best to avoid being anywhere near the other.

“Detective, we both know that’s not true. There has been a pattern in your disciplinary folder where conflict arises more so every year on the same day, of course there are the occasional small instances where your usual rough personality creates issues within the work force, but all these specific incidences have a common link, interaction with an android. It would also fall into the same pattern if today were to be recorded, it aligns with the day and the prompt.” The look of pure hatred bore into Connor’s face as Gavin’s stare followed him.

Always analytical, always reasoning, always so precise and somehow knowing. Somehow they were always a step ahead, reconstructing endless possibilities and somehow picking the one right one. They were so perfect it was imperfect, so of course Connor would first look at the problem just as it was, a problem. Unfortunately this was just another point to add to Gavin’s list.

“See, fuck you.” Gavin spat, “This is all you think it is, a fucking problem you gotta work out. Newsflash, it ISN’T! There is no definite answer, you can’t fucking solve it dumbass.” Connor stared at the man in front of him, dumbfound at how his words were true. He stopped, averting eye contact. He felt a sense of bad swirling around his system. Questions and hypothetical situations crowding his mind. He shouldn’t have said what he did. He should have known by now about emotions and their affects. He decided that this was the feeling of guilt.

“I-I didn’t realise, I didn’t mean to.” Connor muttered under his breath, so quietly, Gavin wasn’t sure if he heard right. His posture was still stiff but his face had loosened from the glare he had given in an instant, confused as to how the android’s tone of language had shifted so suddenly. He promised himself, he promised _you,_ he promised that he would never associate with another android. But Gavin also knew the consequences to not asking questions, he knew what never knowing could do. He didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes again.

“Tell me this, asshole.” He finally said, surprising Connor in the process, “Can you feel? Do you know what it’s like to have emotions? Do you even understand how fucked up emotions can become to the point of creating illogical messes?” The little LED on the side of Connor’s head blended into a yellow for a small moment.

“I know that you don’t really like me because I’m an android, and you don’t really see how I could possibly feel or experience emotions, I don’t even know what I feel sometimes, so I can only imagine how you would feel right now.” Connor said slowly, “I’m not good at emotions. Sometimes they frustrate me so much I wish I never had them, and I know that it doesn’t seem like it’s possible, but whatever the weird sensations in my systems are, I’m trying my best.” Gavin only scoffed and rolled his eyes, Connor feeling a heavy weight rest in his artificial lungs. Was this the feeling of losing faith?

“But,” He began, almost in thought, just like any other real human would, “while our brains are different and my brain may not be biological, it still questions me, it confuses me, it contradicts what I know and what I want to believe. I don’t understand myself half the time.” Gavin grunted in disregards, clearly unsatisfied with what Connor provided. To him, it was programmed, every last word. “My offer will always be there if you change your mind. I don’t mind if it’s not me, but please, go talk to someone. You’re right, there doesn’t need to be an answer but if talking can help you…” He paused, reiterating what he had intended to say, “ I may not know all my feelings but I know that it hurts me seeing you hurt.”

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Gavin refused to believe anything, refused to acknowledge the revolution and the possibilities and the chances. He didn’t want to. These thoughts and feelings were all fake, they had to be, all they were in the end, were ones and zeros. This was just another item on the list, underlined heavily in pen, another reason why he hated androids.

You’re love for androids was the first.

He hated how you believed them to be sentient, alive and feeling. He hated how you always treated them as equals. He hated androids for loving you back. He hated how one of them took you away from him before he had the chance to question, to do something. He hated so much.  He hated his hate. Gavin Reed was full of so much hate. He knew that if you were there beside him presently, you would be mad at him for not trying to listen to Connor, but then and again if you were there presently, he wouldn’t be in this situation, in any situation, feeling horrible on the anniversary of this day. He wouldn’t have to be here, wishing he told you how much you meant to him, how much he cared about you, how much, for once, he loved someone, you. But that wasn’t going to happen, it couldn’t, and it wouldn’t. You loved an android, and now, Gavin had to accept that.

Maybe it was the fact that he knew you loved androids so much that he bothered to open his mouth. Maybe it was the bottled emotions that caused him to spill, the tears, the shaky voice, the moment where no one else was there but an android. How ironic. His defences were down, Connor could see the man at his most vulnerable state, a sense of sorrow filling him. ”Detective Reed…” Connor began, but was instantly hushed by Gavin.

“You don’t know anything.” His harsh words were like thorns, piercing himself over and over again the more he pushed the android away. Why was he hurting himself more? You would disapprove immediately, your android husband and yourself, you’d all have told Gavin off about how Connor had feelings too. And maybe he did, maybe he didn’t, but it was that moment where the man was already so broken, nothing seemed to matter anymore and everything was just one big thing. Emotions screwed him over and let him speak out. Emotions were the bane of his existence. “Y-you, you fucking piece of shit, you don’t have any idea what emotions are. They are the epitome of hell, making you _feel_ all sorts of fucked up shit, making you _do_ all sorts of fucked up shit, making you _think_ -“ His voice cracked as his face went into his hands, Connor sat opposite him, frowning as he listened.

“I hate all you androids.” Gavin declared, “You’re all the same, claiming you have emotions but then fucking up everyone else’s.” His bleary eyes trailed. “You can’t feel, it isn’t possible, you can’t, if you could, then all you plastic asses would have deviated years ago, there would have been no revolution, there would have no civil war, there would have been no stupid plastic prick for (Y/n) to fucking marry!”

Connor waited to be sure that Gavin wasn’t going to continue talking before deciding to address what he had heard, wary of the delicate detective, “I’m sorry that an android did that. I wish with all my power, you truly do manage to feel ok one day… If I was there that day, I would have stayed by your side, friend or not, it wouldn’t have been easy for you. ” Perhaps that wasn’t the most appropriate thing to say at that time, but Gavin was already too far gone into his release of bottled up thoughts. He looked Connor dead in the eye, blood shot and full of fresh tears. His cheeks were pink as well as his nose that had visibly begun to run. He wiped away the grit and grime with a swift flick of his sleeve. “Detective, it’s ok to talk about how you feel.” Maybe that’s what Gavin really did need to hear.

He wouldn’t usually find himself in such a precarious situation, and if he was thinking better, Gavin would have completely shut the android down. But his mind wasn’t too focused on what he’d normally do, his mind wasn’t even registering the fact that he was about to tell all his emotional vulnerabilities to an android of all things. All that Gavin could think about was the past and you, trapped in a forever looping cycle of that day those years ago.

“You wouldn’t fucking understand.” He grumbled, wiping a few more stray tears with his hands hastily. “An android took _her_ away from me.” Now it was Connor’s turn to respond, a slight frown on his face as he questioned who “her” was with his eyes. Gavin paid no attention and continued to ramble. “She fucking loved you guys, always ‘android this’ and ‘android that’ with the occasional ‘Oh my god Gavin, look at her, look at him!’… never _it_.” he shook his head, “She truly adored you, she believed that your kind could feel, could understand, and empathise…” He trailed off, biting his bottom lip in hesitation, “Could _love_ … She saw androids as humanity’s equal, beings who were just… and sure at first I was fine, my disliking wasn’t necessary to be said… but do you know how painful it was to witness my best friend bring one of those… plastic barbie dolls?” Gavin mumbled bitterly, “She called him her boyfriend… I called him a pile of scrap.”

Gavin went quiet, his voice was scratchy and constantly coughing in an attempt to clear his throat. Connor still didn’t fully understand his story, conflicted about how to feel. He felt sad for the detective for sure, and judging by how it affected him, he didn’t really have any other friends at the time… or in general for that matter. But the story didn’t explain everything. While it explained the partial disliking towards androids, it didn’t explain the obsessive hatred, nor the reason why you had such the effect on him. Surely he was over a lost love by now?

He was about to ask when Gavin beat him to it, continuing his story from where he left off. “You know, I never really thought anything about you and your dumb species.” Gavin spat, shaking his head in a spiteful way, “But I knew, I could see it, that so called boyfriend that (Y/n) decided to fucking marry? It was all program, it was all schemed.” Tears formed in the corner of his eyes, prohibiting Gavin from being able to see properly. “She didn’t listen to me though, by then I was such an arrogant asshole to her boyfriend because I loved her first and he stole her away. She didn’t like that part… My jealousy clouded judgements. As for her boyfriend? A model that was repurposed, it’s code more commonly used as bait for predators, rewired, redesigned – reprogrammed.” He sucked in a deep breath, eyes squeezing shut as his face contorted to a pained expression.

 Connor stared, he had heard about those kinds of androids, the ones that go missing for months and turn up as someone, _something_ completely different. He felt the sudden urge to wrap the detective in a hug but refrained from doing so in case he over stepped his boundaries. It was as if Gavin had witnessed everything he said, everything that had happened to you, everything you experienced. The trust, the betrayal, the fear.

“I interrogated that android the day they brought him in.” He mumbled, “No one in the station knew of my connections, I was a mess and I didn’t give a shit if they thought I shouldn’t have been there. That morning, exactly this day 6 years ago, they found her fucking body. She was dead, left bleeding out on the side of a road with 4 lacerations across her body. My best friend, the girl I loved…” Gavin looked at Connor, his eyes filled with the pain of years of torment, “She’s fucking gone.”

The only sound that could be heard was the deafening silence.

Connor nodded his head in seldom, face painted with a picture of sorrow. He had never experienced a loved one or close person’s death, he had only seen the bodies in his investigation, often disassociated from him. But he still understood the pain that the detective across from him was feeling, the phone calls to families were never easy.

He decided to search you up on the data base, stumbling across your file almost instantly. (Y/n) (L/n), deceased. He didn’t read the rest, he didn’t need to. Instead, he reached out a hand and gently placed it on Gavin’s shoulder, bringing the man back to the situation he was in. “You know what that android said to me? He told me that he only deviated after murdering her. Said that seeing the severity of the situation scared him. But he never loved her, never once considered his fucked up owner’s intentions… maybe if I… I should have said- why did this…” Gavin became increasingly frustrated with his words before deciding that it was useless.

“It could have been different… it could have been us.”

His voice called out in defeat, before giving a sad smile to Connor. “Well there you go Dipshit.” The malice was gone. “You wanted me to talk, so you got me all sappy as fuck, and now you know. Happy?” Connor removed his hand from where he placed it, shaking his head as he did.

“I hope that (Y/n) now finds peace.” Connor began, “I’m sure she is proud of you, from where ever she may be in whatever form. The pain may never go away completely, but I know you are a strong headed detective, there will come a day where things will be better. Until then and even after, I’ll support you regardless of if you want it or not. As for your hatred to androids… I do hope that one day you will be able to forgive all of us for taking your (Y/n) away. That part I now understand, I too would become resentful if someone were to hurt those I consider close.” Gavin’s face had turned to a look of surprise. He was not expecting such sincerity, especially from an android. It almost convinced him that everything he had just said was genuine. Of course, letting go of the past to keep an open mind was hardly anything close to resembling easy. His face softened regardless, Connor was no threat currently, he could save his scowl for another more deserving work colleague.

“But, thank you for being open with me. I may not be you, or a human, or even remotely comprehend your emotions correctly, but your honesty and trust makes me feel… honoured.” Connor tried his best to return a small smile. He knew he couldn’t control Gavin’s opinions, and he wouldn’t, but there was now a small part of him that wished that he had an epiphany. Just a small wake up call, one that would allow Gavin to realise that Connor wasn’t going to betray him and belittle him. A message that the android sent by Cyberlife was no longer there because of a protocol, but because of a want.

Gavin nodded his head meekly, focusing on the floor that the two were still sitting upon. He eventually stood up, stretching his legs as Connor followed in pursuit, stepping aside in a dismissed manner. Gavin wanted to stop and say something, the need to do so becoming more prominent the longer he paused. A hand had already reached out towards the door knob before pausing as he turned around to look at Connor. “I still don’t believe you can truly experience emotions.” He said nonchalantly, spitting out his words like they were nothing, “But, thanks. I guess.” It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off of Gavin’s shoulders as the comment escaped his lips, earning a smile from said android. It didn’t make sense as to why he was feeling pressured about saying such thing, so he brushed it off as if it were nothing.

“Of course detective.” Connor replied, “If you ever need to talk, I’ll always be here.” Gavin gave a curt nod, once more contemplating if he should ask anything more. Connor sensed that Gavin wasn’t completely finished either, tilting his head in a questioning way. “Yes?” He prompted patiently. Gavin felt himself turn red, his heart leaping into his throat as he stood there, his back pressed to the door as he stood unnaturally. Why was he embarrassed?

“Do you want to join me?” The question was cryptic and timid, left in the air as the words were softly spoken. Connor’s LED turn yellow. Gavin was asking him to miss work, something which he would have instantly declined if he were still a machine. The prompt to accept Gavin’s invitation appeared in his peripheral vision, his deviation already giving him more freedom than Cyberlife ever had.

“Of course, where will we be going?” Gavin rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I usually go visit (Y/n)…” His voice trailed off awkwardly. “I just think that she would have liked to have met you or something, I don’t know, just don’t go around thinking I actually like you or something. I don’t, I still hate androids.” The man’s words were those of reassurance for his actions, an excuse to still appear tough. Connor saw through his façade but didn’t comment on it, for once, he was starting to understand the walls Gavin had built around himself. Connor simply smiled contently as Gavin nodded, confirming that the two were going to go. The door swung open and one by one, they exited the server room, making their way to the exit doors of the reception area.

Gavin hummed in a semi peaceful manner, trying his best to convince himself that he hadn’t turned a blind eye on Connor and was merely doing this for you. Denial had settled quite deeply within him over time but it was only a matter of getting used to Connor that would begin to uproot the truth from within him. Maybe that was just another reason why he hated androids so much, because of their impeccable ability to worm their way into people’s hearts with trust.

Or maybe, it would become the first reason why he _didn’t_.


End file.
